Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize