He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
