1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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