That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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