Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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