You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
