I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
