i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
where am i from again
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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