just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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