I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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