the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
