Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
