made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
