were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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