haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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