we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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