I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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