I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
