Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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