you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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