you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
