Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
