just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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