Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
