the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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