Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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