Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
