Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
