I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
