New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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