So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
