The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
