if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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