My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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