someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
