After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
