just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
