totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
