when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
