census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
