i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
