to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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