Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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