woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
