Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
