I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
