I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
