I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
