so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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