Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
