i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
