Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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