A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
