last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
